Pang Shimin Germaine
Blk 367 Yishun Ring Road
#04-1532 S (760367)
96341770(HP)
pang_germaine@hotmail.com
February 7, 2010
Ms. Kylie
391A Orchard Road #21-08
Ngee Ann City Tower A
S(238873)
Dear Ms. Kylie:
I am an NUS graduate from the faculty of Science and I came across your online advertisement looking for a HR consultant while browsing through jobstreet It really drew great interest in me and I would like to meet with you to discuss this opportunity further. Being voted as the No 1 recruitment company in year 2007 and 2008, Recruit express had again emerged as the No 1 Recruitment company of the year 2009. Without doubt, a team of highly-committed and top-notch service-oriented people was a key in your success. It’s clear that you are looking to maintain your reign as a top leading recruitment company in Asia and I believe my skills can help to do so.
Your advertisement on the healthcare sector states that a science degree would be preferable. As a 3rd year undergraduate in chemistry, I believe my knowledge in the area of Science can help in driving the recruitment process by actively sourcing for talents in the healthcare division. I believe my background closely matches the suitability outlined for the job.
As this job requires human resource activities, being able to display good team spirit and responsibility is important. During my junior college days, I was an active member of the interact club and was part of the committee for a school initiated project. In it, I had to work with others to plan and carry out activities. Through these experiences, I recognized myself to be a good team player and possessed the ability to handle responsibilities well. Also, work experience at IRAS had equipped me with the skills to communicate effectively to people and this would value add in my ability to provide advice to clients in this job. Thus, I do possess the interpersonal skills required when dealing with clients. In addition, I had experiences at doing sales which are in line with your expectations of someone being open to sales and results-oriented organizations. Through my sales experience, I had been exposed to the stress and need for productivity of sales thus with additional on-job training that your company will be providing, it would definitely be easier for me to manage and perform in that area.
Lastly, you state that you are looking for someone energetic and with a strong CCA record in sports. While I did not join any sports in schools, I am active in marathons where I had taken part in he Women’s Great Eastern Run for 2 consecutive years and I frequent the gym as well. Thus, I would consider myself as being very involved in vigorous activities.
Recruit Express is an expanding recruitment company with the potential to excel further in the Asian region and I would appreciate to speak to you further on how my experience can help you deliver excellent service. Please contact me at 96341770 or email at pang_germaine@hotmail.com if any clarifications are needed. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours sincerely,
Germaine Pang
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Hey Germaine,
ReplyDeleteI think you have described your attributes and connected them to the requirements well.
The following are certain ways that you could improve your letter.
I feel that you could have been more concise in your descriptions. For example, you could have avoided writing things like "your advertisement stated..." or "you state you are looking for...". Instead you could just explain the activities you have done, and the skills you have learnt. Then you could relate it back to the requirements the employer is looking for.
Also, I feel that the structure of your agrument could have been improved. The beginning and concluding paragrahs both seem to be addressing the recruit express company, and how you want to get an opportunity to meet with them. Maybe you could just dedicate one paragraph for this, either the beginning or concluding paragraph.
Also, you could refrain from stating negative points such as "while I did not join any sports in schools". Instead you could just immediately state your marathon competitions and how taking part in this competitions make you energetic.
Regarding grammar:
this would value add in my.. >>> this would add value in my..
Overall, good job! :)
Keerthani
Hi Germaine,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Keerthani that you have described your attributes and connected them to the requirements well. However I think that this application letter could be more concise as you can leave out the part where you give the information on the achievements of the company and emphasis more on your own achievements.
Furthermore i found that there are some redundancies in this letter. For example in your first paragraph and in the last paragraph where you stated that you are interested in meeting with the person-in-charge.
I hope this will help
Xian Rui..
Hey Germaine,
ReplyDeleteI am a little hesitant of the line "Being voted as the No 1 recruitment company in year 2007 and 2008, Recruit express had again emerged as the No 1 Recruitment company of the year 2009." It shows that you have done your homework on the company, but it is like you are preaching to the choir. If you could make that sentence a little less factual, it will be nice.
Secondly, the last line of the first paragraph.. " ..I believe my skills can help to do so" seems a little..presumptuous to me, Germaine. (Then again this is only my opinion.)I get what you are trying to say. You want them to know that your skills and personality are similar to what is required of a HR consultant (right?). Maybe you could rephrase it to a more modest form. Sorry, having writers block and am not able to think of another possibility. But I shall keep you posted.
Also, a sentence in your third para, work experience at IRAS HAD equipped me with the skills to communicate effectively to people.. --> ..work experience at IRAS HAS equipped me with the skills to communicate effectively to people.. Since you still possess the skills right, I think using the perfect progressive tense (http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/grammar/tenses.html#perfect progressive ) would be more appropriate.
Hehe, I would suggest that you consider removing the line "While I did not join any sports in schools.." They do not need to know what you did not do. Divert their attention on what you DID do. =)
Dear Germaine,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lalitha that you consider removing this phrase "While I did not join any sports in schools,"as you should be telling them more about your strengths.
Also, is this sentence "frequent the gym as well", necessary?
Lastly, for this sentence "Please contact me at 96341770 or email at pang_germaine@hotmail.com if any clarifications are needed", I don't think you need to restate your contact and email. Also,this phrase"if any clarifications are needed" can be changed to "if you need any clarifications".
Cheers ,
Serene